Thanks again for responding. There is much to say and I'd like to continue this conversation on the next posting on harm reduction.

But in the meantime, I would like to say it was very enjoyable, and I would like all potential readers to appreciate how Nico and I started from very opposite positions but that fundamentally we have the same understanding.

The wall that was between us was built on a lack of time and space to proper communicate and most unfortunately, this wall is very much present on the internet and in the real world. We all ground firmly our points in ideology but can go over it and reach each other when taking the time for a civil conversation. This is what good prevention is about, reaching other.

Very best

Which sort of leads into your second question: what is stopping me from asking “What would make you choose to bareback?” Not why, but what and note that the keyword here is “choose”.
And the answer, of course, is: nothing. I have that conversation with men all day every day. The way it usually happens is, after I've gone through some of the *factual* info in the template I listed above, I'll ask a guy, "What do you think?" And often the answer will be something like, "Well, it all makes sense." And I'll usually say something like, "At least written down on paper, hey?" Which might make him laugh and there's a softness opened up there. I'll usually then ask something like, "Can I ask, respectfully, and simply because I enjoy these conversations and want to understand more: what do you *like* about sex without condoms? What pulls you toward it? What's in it for you?" And then the conversation goes off on paths talking not only about the immediate and sexual ("It just feels better" "Condoms are too tight" "I like the heat that's transferred without condoms"), but also the psychological ("The idea of fucking a guy raw gets me so hard" or "It feels so much more intimate that way" or "I really love the idea of some dude dumping his load in my as"), and of course also emotional ("I find it's a release for me — the feeling is so good that it's like an escape from……").

This is the skillful work that all prevention workers are aiming for when they go in to work each day. I might enjoy heated debates (I do! A lot!), I might use my personal blog as a safe space to vent my frustrations (I do! A lot!), but when I go in to work to connect with men and talk about all of these complicated issues on a soulful level, I cannot be an ideologue and succeed in the work.

I do see the distinction you are making between institutions and public policy vs grass roots activists and front-line workers. But in some ways, I feel like the difficult frontline work I do each work day is devalued by an implication that workers like me are too afraid to "promote condoms" or cannot simultaneously juggle personal freedoms with collective responsibility while engaging men in conversations about their lives, their desires and their need for intimacy with other men. We can and we do. And if *we* are capable of having these nuanced, complex conversations while remaining focused on the goal of improved wellness for all queer men, our clients are no less capable of having them too.

Thanks, as always! And without any willfulness to misinterpret you — I realize we're talking through an odd medium here and I realize I am sometimes misunderstanding you. It's not intentional.